Its about taking steps

Today was an absolutely beautiful day in Colorado. 70, blue bird skies, sunny, and the start of a new week. mmmm..yeahhh.. nothing like it. Spring is surely around the corner. But for me, after my morning workout at the ATC, the day consisted of reading on my balcony, finishing up projects at my computer, getting work done in my sun lit living room by the open door, and reading some more while soaking up the rays. What I would much rather have preferred doing was climbing, running, hiking, anything outdoors. But alas, responsibility sucked me in and I was to experience the beautiful weather from a distance..

Around 5:00 I just had to get out and so I grabbed my keys and went for a walk. It was therapeutic for my soul and my body. I often find answers and learn much when I'm walking and feeling a little weary in my own skin. You see, not only was I sad I was in doors all day, I was also feeling all sorts of awful from the mysterious pain and symptoms that have followed me around for over a year now. It isn't anything that stops me from my day to day activities, but it certainly does affect how I feel emotionally and physically and even sometimes spiritually. And today was no different. I spent the work hours consumed by my classes papers and annoyed by the constant pain in my stomach. But when I began walking this evening I noticed how quickly I forgot about the soreness in my side and how alive and refreshed I felt by moving. Often people, who know that I'm going through this, ask me when I feel the best. My answer is always when I'm up and doing something I love. And its true. Although the pain can be severe at times, I always seem to push it away and out of my mind when I'm up and doing something like working out or on my feet teaching or running around a hectic production environment. That's when I forget about my weakness and embrace my passions.

All too often we feel pain or discomfort in our lives, but we allow it to settle and determine our state of mind and being. Instead of going out and doing something about it, we focus on the grey areas and say well I'm not able, its beautiful and inviting and tempting to take a step out there, but I just can't. Maybe sometimes pain and discomfort is present to motivate us and remind us to go after the things in life that chase away the dark and bring in the light.

I walked around my neighborhood, following the sun as it was settling down, and felt all sorts of peace and joy as I saw the kids in the playground shooting hoops, a big brother and his little brother flying a kite, and a happy elderly couple walking together smiling. Yeah a little sentimental, nostalgic, maybe even pushy cheesy, but it was beautiful. And the pain in my side was still present, I could feel it. But more so I felt the cool breeze, the warmth of the setting sun, and the abundance of life around me. Walking definitely doesn't get rid of the hurt or symptoms but it does help put them aside.

A lot of times we have pain or discomfort because we long for that relationship with that person. Or because we disagree with the way our world treats the helpless and hopeless. Maybe we feel pain because we are denying ourselves the life we truly want and settling for the life that's easy and available. We go through the motions, we recognize the symptoms, but we do nothing in the process of healing. We accept it. We say, it is what it is. If the doctors can't find a cure then I guess I will have to deal. But tonight I was shown that even if I can get rid of it fully, I can still do small things to move forward and not be handicapped or put at a stand still by my current conditions. To me its about conditioning the heart. You wouldn't deny yourself food when your body is hunger so don't deny your heart when it has needs to be fed too.

Lately I've been feeling a little bit of discomforts in terms of finances and career. What am I doing and where am I going? Am I going to be able to survive and thrive? Its been painful and there are times when I sit and dwell in the darkness and think.. can this really be it? Then I go to film festivals, get invited to speak at colleges, and I have opportunities to work with other talented filmmakers and I'm suddenly forgetting my worries and my insecurities and I'm feeling alive. I have had a topsy-turvy couple of weeks and I don't think there is much of an end in sight anytime soon. But I think in some ways I need it. It has truly made me aware of my thoughts, goals, and own laziness. I think these growing pains I'm experiencing are reminding me to push forward, push hard, and focus on the bigger picture.

Just like the pain in my side. Its constant, sometimes very subtle and other times very apparent but its all how I decide to handle it. I can allow it to be an excuse to stay in doors, away from people, and make me miserable. Or I can chose to be active, to get up and go walk it off. To tell it that its not bigger then my desire to be alive and that it wont stop me from enjoying this beautiful day. And at the same time this discomfort reminds me to continue to learn and take care of myself. To seek help and take measures so that it wont be a life long hinderance. Sometimes the challenges or pains we face in life are present to remind us to take time to learn, to seek guidance, and to take measures that will lead to sustainability and growth so we won't have to always worry.

I feel refreshed after my walk. And as I sit here to type, my side is aching but my heart is light. I know that despite conditions or circumstances it is better to go after what it is you want in life, to feed the heart, then to be complacent with the pain or darkness you are facing. So what is it that makes you hurt? And what are small steps you can take to not only make yourself feel better but also to change the conditions, to move towards healing and rejuvenation? May I suggest simply going for a walk when you're thinking of an answer? You will feel so great afterwards :)

“What I do you cannot do; but what you do, I cannot do. The needs are great, and none of us, including me, ever do great things. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.” Mother Teresa

Namaste

Braving New Adventures & Learning to Carry a Lighter Rack

I should probably explain the title before I begin to ramble like I do. For those of you who do not climb, specifically trad/alpine climb, let me explain a few details about the sport so you understand the analogy as it applies to my present journey.

A rack is the collection of protection you use on a climb. Each climb requires a different amount and type of protection. When you set out for a long alpine climb you have to consider how much protection you will need and how much of that protection you can do without.  The goal is to only carry with you the necessary pieces so that you can move quicker and be more efficient. The gamble is leaving some pieces behind - although you know you probably won't need them and you rarely ever use them on this type of climb - there's always the slight chance these pieces could come in handy - then what? More then anything it's about the security of having too much because of the fear and challenge of not having what you think you need. 

This morning I began to pack boxes of belongings as I prepare to move in a month or less. I'm going through my closets and cupboards finding myself faced with the decision, do I take this with me or do I leave it behind? I'm moving in with a friend who owns a home about a half hour from Boulder in Golden. It's a beautiful location and will offer a lot of new benefits such as a shorter commute to work and to climbing areas, access to a garden by walking out my back door, and the company of new roommates who can share life experiences and lessons with me. It's exciting and it's very scary. I like my apartment now, I like when and how and where I commute to. I like my roommate. I like where all my things are. I've been in this apartment for four years now and it's a place of security for me. So why move? Well my current roommate is branching off on a new adventure and getting married. I can't afford to live alone and at the same time I wasn't having luck finding someone to move in - actually I was hardly making an effort to look. I knew in my heart that it was time to branch off myself and seek a new adventure. I have learned a lot about myself and about the life I want these past four years of living in Broomfield. Now it's time to use that knowledge and move on to the next destination - one that offers new excitements and new uncertainties.  So what do I take and what do I let go of? It's like going from climbing in Boulder Canyon to climbing in Rocky Mountain National Park. I know the canyon and where I can go and what I need to take. It's easy to get to, it's low commitment/risk, and its very easy and acceptable to carry in too much gear - just say it's for weight training :) It's still a fun and enjoyable place to go, but maybe it's time to branch out and adventure somewhere new. Climbing in Rocky Mountain National Park is exciting but uncertain. It forces you to pack lighter and hone into the experiences you had in Boulder canyon and apply those lessons and skills to a new, bigger climb. One that will have you thinking more critically and creatively.  

This is why i have chosen to move to Golden. I could spend the rest of my life in this apartment but then I know I would be ever more complacent. i wouldn't grow - I would miss out on the chance to have new struggles and find new joys. It is exciting to be on the approach to a new adventure. You have a sense of what it looks like and may feel like, but you're not quite sure 100% of what the experience will bring. As I pack and prepare I find myself with the decision to let go of much of what I hold onto in my apartment now, I know I don't need it, I rarely use it - I need to learn to trust, have faith, and carry a lighter load. 

This doesn't just apply to my climbing or living situations - but I'm also finding it applies to my career and to my relationships. Let me start with career..

I made a significant leap of faith this summer by not working the extra few part time jobs I have these previous summers.  Owning a business and teaching doesn't bring in a lot of cash - I make my ends meet every month - but there's always that fear that eats at me of not having money. So instead of just trusting that the one or two jobs I have is enough, in the past I have had up for six or so jobs at one time. It's a lot to carry and I am very very tired - mentally, physically, and emotionally. So I let go and made the decision to keep the jobs that are necessary to continue on my adventure of my career, and leave behind the ones that aren't. Last week I had my first rejection from a possible client. Another tendency I have created is that I will go after any opportunity for a new client even if it doesn't always appeal to me in terms of production, content, or budget. In my head everything and anything is better then just a few or nothing... 

I didn't really want the production, but I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't take it. Would I regret it later down the road? Would it have saved something in my life? Probably not. But it's a constant concern. By not having it however I am more available to really focus on what I do have for projects without all the extra weight on my shoulders.   If I have learned anything in my five years of living on my own it's that I have never been without. And at the end of the day - or end of the month (bill time) - I always have what I need to get me through to the next day.. month.. etc. Take the protection you know you need and feel confident enough that you will get to the next pitch safely even it brings a little struggle. 

Relationships are a hard area to admit excess to, at least for me. I tend to want to hold onto every person that comes my way just in case..

What if I have no one to adventure with? What if I have no one to talk to? But as we move on in life relationships will inevitably change and sometimes you have to decide to leave some behind. Carry with you the ones who have always been there, the vital pieces you always know you can fall on and will get you through the new cruxes of life. Hold onto the few that promise more. It's ok to leave behind the pieces, or people, who have been great to you but aren't necessary to keep and carry forever. Feel free to have a lighter burden of who you give your heart to so that the few you do keep with you really have it. 

Security for me isn't a good thing. It really does convince me to cap where I'm going and what I want. Moving to Golden is my new adventure. And I'm going with a lighter load of materials, relationships, and jobs. I have a sense of what I need and I'm looking forward to being challenged to be creative and work with what I have for whatever may come of this new mountain. I am quite nervous about this all and very hesitant of what to pick and choose to take and what not to.  I am nervous about letting go of some relationships to free myself up for something better. I am nervous about not being overloaded with work and just being productive with a few projects. But I'm excited too for all of it. I know this is the right time to be adventuring out into some new areas. And challenges will come but so will pleasures. And I'm capable of continuing on with life and going for these new climbs with the essentials.
Its not always better to have more then less. (the battle of quantity versus quality). I want to know that mentally, emotionally, and physically I am ready and I don't need to burden and exhaust myself. And I do believe when I look back on this all I will be thankful I took only what I needed. 

And then there's times when you just want to leave all the gear at home and just head up the mountain with the company of a best friend.  Adventuring with Jess as she & I both anticipate our own new adventures in life. 

Seize every day as an adventure and your spirit 

will soar when you discover the wonderful 

surprises life has to offer

Namaste. 

The Cards We're Dealt

I woke up this morning singing "you gotta know when to hold them... know when to fold them.." Somehow it's appropriate for where I have found myself as of late. Kind of cheesy but bear with me.. 

Back in February I received an email telling me the courses I was currently enrolled in for grad school were not going to count towards my degree … huh? How could that be? But after some email exchanging it was confirmed that I had enrolled in two classes that specifically were not considered for the program I'm in. What to do? These courses were on-line classes, which if you've ever taken a class online you know they demand more time then in-seat courses. The irony of it all was it was the first time in my grad school career I was really enjoying my classes and I was really putting in a solid effort. The horrific part was that my graduation date was postponed and I was out a lot of money. Again what to do? My first reaction was to finish the courses - push through since I had finished seven of the ten weeks they involved. At the same time, which may come as a surprise to you, I was really overbooked with work. No one ever told me that starting a business was like having a child - it demands 100% of your time and energy. So between work and school I was pulling 85+ hour work weeks and trying to squeeze in the little bit of outdoor friend time that I could. I had a climbing trip planned to Canada at the end of February so if I stayed in the classes I would be writing my finals in Canada. I tried that once, taking finals on vacation, last year when I went to Mexico & California in November. When I look back at those two weeks all I can think is what an awful experience that was. I'm not suggesting that ice climbing is more important then my studies - although it's much more enjoyable - but I realized sometimes you just need to know when to walk away or in this case run. And so I did.

I think its important to hold true to values, standards, and draw lines of what you believe is right and wrong for yourself. If I've learned anything in my short life it is that if I allow myself to do so, I will take life way to seriously. And I will leave this earth a very tired, grumpy old woman. Life isn't all fun and games, but it isn't all work and stress either. When I was in Canada there was a day when Cheryl was just very tired and the ice wasn't so great, and so I asked her what she was thinking.. and she answered, "I'm asking myself what's my motivation right now?" Why am I doing what I'm doing? Not that every decision or action we make should bring us happiness, but some things just aren't worth comprising yourself or your peace of mind over. It's like when I hear women planning their weddings and they're just stressed over the details and the work of it. I can't understand why you would then keep on planning your miserable wedding.. it's not worth the anxiety. And in my case with school and work and the idea of vacation I realized that my motivation to complete the courses was because I was scared of failure. My motivation was to please others, to respond the way everyone would expect me to respond, and to comprise my own sanity.. In this case I knew I had to run. I was about to turn my vacation into a miserable experience.  I don't regret dropping the courses and I'm hoping by the Grace of God I can get my money back. But the decision I made allowed for me to have an opportunity that brought me the upmost joy. I spent 10 days in the Canadian Rockies with my amazing mentor and friend Cheryl. 

Relationships can be like that too. Friends, family, significant others - "what's my motivation.. why am I doing what I'm doing?" More often then not it has been to please the other. Sometimes that's a good thing - a great thing - but not always. And it's been a tough lesson for me to learn. I remember realizing after Christopher died that I had been spending my college career working so hard to:
1. Earn respect and prove myself to my department, my colleagues, and my employers 
2. To be the opposite of Christopher who couldn't succeed in school and work

I really have hurt myself with the motivation of another's happiness. In the past few years I've learned however that sometimes you need to hold on to the cards, and people, in your life even through the challenges because it's what grows you as a person. And sometimes you just need to cut your losses and walk away. Not to worry about the "what-ifs" or feeling like you need to hold on with the fear they'll be the only ones to come into your hands.  Let these lessons prepare you for when new relationships do begin- kind of like playing cards. You know what works and what doesn't. There's no need to hold tightly when you know it's a loss. And sometimes you find yourself given a hand that has potential and it's worth at least seeing through. For me, that grey area is a hard spot to be in.  I'm so afraid of failure or disappointing myself, or the other, that my reaction is often to run. Meagan spoke some truth to me the other night however when she said "Anne you're not the girl you use to be. You wouldn't let yourself fall into the old tendencies you use to." Hmm.. kind of like when I went to Canada over working. Yes when I was 20 I would've stayed, canceled my vacation, and worked. But not this time. 

I'm thankful for the hands I've been dealt in the past - the ones I've kept and the ones I've walked away from. And I know throughout life I'll be given more that I'll need to make the decision to keep or discard. But at the end of it all it has to come down to what's your motivation - what do you value - what's the result of your decision. For me it's about always pursuing peace with the journey I'm on, not always running but not always holding on either. 

So whether its work, relationships, school - uncertainties will continue to pop up, and you will have to decide what's the worth of it to you. And in each a decision will be made to hold, fold, walk away, or run.  But remain true to yourself. Think of what your motivation is, and don't regret when you finally make the decision. I don't believe in an easy road out - I think every decision comes with some kind of doubt and/or sorrow. But that's just the beauty of life - we're able to keep moving forward and if we have faith we will be given all that we need. And we will have peace when we're done. 

Speaking of peace..  

“Take pride in how far you've come. Have faith in how far you can go. But don't forget to enjoy the journey"

Namaste. 

Eudaimonia - The Result of Living a Virtuous Life

As if it was something new to report, life is extremely busy - but for all the right reasons. As 2014 rolled around I was trying to wrap up old projects and prepare for new projects. My life in the past year has gone from waking up most days of the week thinking.. "what should I do today to pass the time?" to waking up with an inbox full of work emails and meeting emails and new adventure emails, an office space calling to me with nine drives just waiting to be fired up so they can spit out hours of video footage, and running around in my little SUV bouncing from shoot to meeting to class to socializing to climbing. How does she do it? Honestly, I really have no idea. I have a thought to actually count my work hours, climbing hours, and sleeping hours but I think I'd rather just pretend like I'm a balanced person ;) 

I ended 2013 at home with my family and my friends. The trip was extremely restful, refreshing, and enjoyable. There is something so special about having a history with someone. The ability to connect after many months.. and even years... have gone by and still have a deep rooted love with that other is a tremendous gift. I moved to Colorado without much of a plan.. and in the past five years so much has evolved it's hard to really grasp where I'm at and what I'm actually doing - let alone figure out where I'm going. But in the midst of all of it, I found my constant in my life are the relationships I've formed along the way.  They've seen me through a lot, and know me inside and out.. and even though we've all changed in our own way, our relationship hasn't. That's really precious and I'm really grateful. 

I didn't make any new year resolutions but I do think it's important to set new goals or intentions  in your life to strive for. And this year I want to work on being better at chilling out and just being fine with what each day gives. "Do not be anxious, but instead pray about everything, and give thanks to God for all he has provided" It's true, I'm well taken care of. He's given me a family in Pennsylvania, and now a family in Colorado. I tend to really worry about what is next.. who will be in my life.. who is going to leave my life.. where my next job opportunity or climbing opportunity will come from (or will it come at all?!) But if history shows me anything it's that I'm never without.   So this year I'm striving to remember that and to be happy with that - to celebrate my life and my relationships daily.  And to be ok with waiting for the next opportunity, but still continually moving in the directions I feel called. 

In business, adventure, and love I have met the most amazing people and continue to do so. And through it all the history I've made with others remains - thankfully! For Christmas my mother gave me this little bag that said "see the world, but come home for love" It's true. I am going to see the world, and the best part of these journeys will be the people I meet along the way and the new relationships I have the chance to form, but nothing compares to the home I've found in PA and in CO. 

Thankful for all the love and support throughout these few short years, and thank you for all the encouragement to keep on going. I know this is where I'm suppose to be, and today I just feel so energized to be on the path I'm on - even if its long and unclear of the destination - if you know me, I'm all about the heinous approaches ;) 

I posted this on FB, but thought I'd share it again - It was an excerpt from some reading I had to do for a grad course in building partnerships and businesses - I thought it was good and resonated well with my own intention to start a company and pursue production. 

All human beings desire happiness. For Aristotle, “Happiness” or eudaimonia is the result of living a virtuous life. This “happiness” could also be described as fulfillment and flourishing (success). Acting virtuous means doing things well or acting according to reason excellently used. But happiness is not a purely individual matter, for it can only be realized within a network of relations with others. We are social animals and we need one another in order to reach our perfection as human beings. So the notions of virtue and eudaimonia are nested in a yet a wider context of society or community. Virtue implies a social context. Virtues by definitions place one in a relationship with others. In such a framework there is no distinction between self-interest and social mindedness. Acting virtuously takes on to respect others in the community while at the same time perfecting oneself and living a meaningful existence. In this model the important point is that doing one ought or striving to be virtuous is not counter but conductive to the good life. Fulfilling one’s responsibilities helps one to become the sort of person one wants to become, leads one to respect others, and fulfills and gives meaning to the actor.

Me and my grandmother hanging out ! 


Namaste 

Muscle Memory

It been a while since I've sat and filled this space with thoughts and updates. I don't really have a profound statement to make today, or a life question to offer into the world, I am simply just trying to bring myself back into the routine of writing. A friend told me the other night at dinner that getting back into writing is just like getting back into any practice, you simply have to just start. And soon with some time, and muscle memory kicking in, the words will begin flowing again. 

Since my enrollment in grad school, I have lost serious interest in reading and writing recreationally - mainly because reading and writing is so heavily required at school. But lately I have missed the excitement I use to feel when I would sit and write. And I have really missed the engagement I use to find with a good story. Now if I sit still long enough to open up a book, I'm out - dead asleep. (Which also happens when I try to read all the required texts for class too.. oy I'm an awful grad student!) 

Life has been going and going and going these past few years since I've moved to Colorado and the benefit of this blog for me is that I can go back and remember the little moments of my journeys that have been lost in the overall picture. 

I reread my blog posts last night from my time in Nepal and it was as if I was experiencing it for the first time again. TomTom (my roommate) and I were talking last night how Tolkien's writings are like that - you can go back and reread his books time and again and always find something new that you didn't remember from the last time you read his stories. Not that I am anywhere close to being the brilliant author as he was, but I have found that the benefit of writing gives me the chance to go back and find things about my own journey that I didn't notice, realize, or remember. 

2013 has been a full packed year - I started my own company, I enrolled in grad school, I was blessed to be a part of new productions that truly challenged me in unbelievable ways and moved me forward, my nephew was born, I took on some larger mountain objectives, I bought a new car, I moved my company into it's own office space, I am a part of two amazing documentaries that truly are making significant strides in community and leadership building, I have made some amazing new friends and climbing partners who not only encourage and grow me in the outdoors, but also as a person, Alyssa and I finally put our crafts in a public show, and I have the great opportunity to experience some of my dearest friends finding their soul mates and begin planning their wedding life together, Chris and I have made some really good meals, and I've been able to grow in the relationships and roles of my life. 

Its been a whirlwind. And the other day I was telling my Mom that 2014 is already filling up, I'm about booked until September! It is hard to fit in all my commitments and desires into my day-to-day and sometimes its even harder to then remember all the special details and moments of those days. So here I sit, in an effort to document and to share this life of mine.  I'm getting ready to travel for the holidays and be with my family. And I'm looking forward to the new year and all the adventures it will offer. I'm looking forward too to remembering to take the time to sit, write, and reflect - Happy Wednesday.

Namaste

“The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say

Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.” - J.R.R. Tolkien 

  

From Rock Star to Rock Climber

Have you ever paused and taken notice to how our dreams, hobbies, outlooks, relationships, interests continue to change as we grow older. Well of course.. its because we gain perspective, experience, and acceptance of what can be and what can never be. 

I was very excited the other night because I was able to purchase my first brand new set of ice climbing tools. I love this sport, like deeply madly insanely love this sport. Frozen water is truly magnificent. And I am humbled by the grace it gives for us climbers to hack sharp objects into it and ascend on up. It's actually a very odd activity now that I think about it but I never would have thought of myself as an ice climber two.. five.. or ten years ago. 

This morning I received an email that a lady wanted to purchase my guitar for her daughter. I put up an ad the other day to sell it and all of the accessories I've gotten for it over the years because truthfully it has sat in the corner of my room the past three years that I've lived in my apartment practically untouched. (I did pick it up once about seven months ago to play, but as I was tuning it the strings snapped and so I put it back on the stand and went for a run instead.) Ice climbing is an expensive sport, and so is buying groceries. So I thought its probably time to get rid of the things that are collecting dust in my life and make a little cash to pay the odds and ends. But I was humbly surprised at the instant reaction of resistance  to answer this woman's reply now that the time has actually come to sell my guitar. Its very special to me. Two of my dearest friends from High School gave me this guitar for my 21st birthday present since my dream at the time was to quite everything I was doing and play at coffee shops in the city.. my boyfriend then gave me beginner books and encouraged me to play and my roommate put up with me practicing the same five cords over and again for months because it was all I knew.. and all my free time and money was spent going to concerts and admiring/observing the way the musicians flowed with their instruments hoping I one day too would be able to play so well.  So I'm saying goodbye to more then just the physical guitar. I'm saying goodbye to the way the relationships once were and to the dreams I once had and the life I once wanted.

I was just home for the holidays.. Pennsylvania that is. I don't go back East often mainly because it's expensive and I'm busy, but the opportunity to spend Christmas and New Years with family and friends opened up and so I traveled back for a week. When I call home to my parents or talk to my friends I always get the same sound bites.. "oh nothing new here. Nothing ever changes in Butler (Pittsburgh).." but that's not true. Again I was pleasantly surprised and humbled by just how much things have changed in such a short time. And how I noticed more since I've been gone. My relatives (forgive me for saying this) are aging and so the conversations and energy have changed. Its not bad but I had to come to terms that no one lasts forever. I'm really really thankful for my family, and am madly insanely more in love with them then anything else I have in my life.  It was something that I realized or took notice to more when I was with them. How I wish I could take all of them back to my life in Colorado or how I wished I could bring my life in Colorado back to Pennsylvania. That can't be the case, but still I wish it could. Home for me is no longer in PA, but sometimes I wish it were. 

As I was driving to and from visits with friends I realized just how beautiful Pennsylvania really is. The trees and the open fields are incredible. I would go on morning runs up and down the hills, past frozen lakes and around old houses and have complete excitement for the views and fresh air. I never noticed just how peaceful and promising this place was. And for the first time when I was in Pittsburgh I saw just how amazing this city is. The structures and layout is incredible. When production crews use to come to town members I worked with would rave of how timeless and great Pittsburgh was. (I thought Pittsburgh was old and dead to be honest.) But now, after leaving and coming back, yeah it really is beautiful. And the buildings hold history and stories and passion. I could have walked in awe of that city for hours.

Four years really has changed a lot. Friends have moved away for work and love. Friends have stayed for work, found love, and are now having babies. Some friends are working on trying to find new love and new jobs and new directions.. And yet it doesn't feel like I've been gone that long. What I wasn't expecting was to feel the resistance to let go of what once was. I'm very excited for all of them and I'm excited for myself. But maybe for the first time I allowed myself to feel a bit of sadness that when I do visit again some of these friends won't be in town to catch up. And some will have to bring their children along so they can't go to karaoke bars anymore. And some will have wives and it won't be acceptable to hang out with their old gal pal Anne alone. These are not bad things, oh my gosh these are beautiful exciting new directions, but I have put PA and my memories there in a bubble and now I have to break that bubble and let all those I love so dearly be freed to grow and move and change in my mind. 

For the past few months I've had this "out-of-body" perspective where I've seen my friends and family in Colorado change, grow, move in new directions and it's really exciting. But with that comes the ultimate reality that I have to be willing to change too. In my own life I'm constantly moving, exploring, seeking, changing... but I think in a way I've always expected everyone else to just stay put so that I can pursue my own desires but I can also have them stay exactly where they are so I don't lose them. Its selfish and silly. I really do love to see my friends and family grow and chase their wild dreams. It brings me a lot of joy to see passion being lived out the way I try to live out my own passions. But it also gives me slight anxiety when I have to consider how their new dreams change the dynamics of my life. This is growing up. I think what 2012 really presented to me was preparation that things will begin to change more rapidly and dramatically so its time to face it. It will come with some growing pains on my end, some acceptance despite disagreement on the dynamics that need to change in certain relationships. And I have to wonder and consider how my own life and decisions and dreams have effected and will effect others. 

Change is good. New dreams are great. And so are new experiences, relationships, perspectives, and opportunities. When I was 21 years old and received that guitar as a gift I wanted to be a kick-ass news reporter, I wanted to bring justice in the Middle East, I wanted to live in a city and wear pretty dresses and drive an SUV and travel all the time.

Now, five short years later, I still want to travel all the time. And occasionally I want to put on a pretty dress. But I also want to climb big mountains, and I'd rather ride my bike then drive. And although I still want to use media as a means of social justice, I have a very different approach. And the relationships that surrounded me at the time of my guitar are still in life, but they are very different. I'm happy and blessed by it all.   I have to smile, tear up, and enjoy the dreams that once were and be excited for the dreams that are now. So this is goodbye to my guitar, hello to my ice tools. 

Through it all its really awesome to know that the best things in life, the love and support and memories and laughs shared with those I love and share life with will always.. always stay the same.  

Namaste

Out with the old

In with the new

Realizations

I had originally constructed a blog with this title "Realizations" a few days ago, but didn't feel really into it and was very hesitant about posting it. Normally when I write I just go with it.. type it all out, proof it quickly, then post it and let it be... 

I was thinking about this unposted entry tonight and how I wasn't telling you anything new, or anything I haven't said in a different way before. The past month or so I've been a part of the Boulder International Film Festival Selection Committee.. which means I'm on the jury that yay's or nay's submissions. One of the biggest critiques into why a lot of films don't make the cut is that they aren't telling us anything new. Same old story.. told the same old way. NEXT!

Sometimes themes have a way of repeating themselves in our lives just like they have a way of repeating themselves in movies.  Doesn't mean they aren't worth telling but the question or challenge should then be, are you going to tell the story differently? And if so, how?

I was driving home tonight from a long day of conversations. Good conversations. Conversations about new opportunity, current struggles, people standing up for what they believe in; and I had this crazy warm energy stirring up in me. I really just wanted to take that energy and go for a long run to embrace it.

So when considering the post I had originally written under this title, I had a new realization.. I was telling the same story the same way about my life lately. So the question then to follow is do I want to make the story, the blog, different or do I just keep writing and expressing myself the same old way? Don't misunderstand this as me saying I've been doing things wrong lately because I don't see that to be true. But there are some things that I'd like to start doing differently. That's just growth and that is really exciting. This is me embracing realizations.

I'd like to be more centered. I would like to be present in the moment. So I bought a bike and instead of driving everywhere I now try to ride my bike as many places as I can. For one it cuts back on gas money so I don't have to constantly be worrying where my next pay check will be coming from to pay for the fuel in my tank. And for another I get to experience a different view of the streets and neighborhoods I travel down so much. Denver is gorgeous from a bike. I don't even mind traffic. And I love knowing that I can only go as fast my legs will peddle. Somedays thats a pretty decent speed and other days not so much. So however long it takes to get to my next destination depends on me being present and listening to my own physical strength. I really like riding my bike over driving. 

I'm back in school and its difficult. I realize that I"m treating grad school a lot like I did upgrad.. do a lot of work and spend very little time doing anything else. Same story. Well I'd like to really be present in my classes and I'd like to get to know the people around me. Its my colleagues that have much to teach me about life, servitude, education, travel.. I don't want to overlook or breeze past this opportunity.

I want to continue to be tenacious in my beliefs and grow in my passions. Its exciting for me to say that I have a long list that keeps growing of new productions and network opportunities. But it will require taking some big risks, walking away from some people and jobs that have been staples for me these past few years, and running forward with ideas and new connections that I have no idea where they will lead. But that's exciting. And its scary. But mostly exciting.. and scary. That to me is the greatest adventure we can journey off into. Dream chasing, risk taking, daring to be passionate. I'm jonesed.

I, more then ever, am excited about my work. What drives me to want to be a film producer? Human connections. Learning about lifestyles, beliefs, practices. Living and experiencing all that life brings with another, that's fulfilling to me. I'm not great at it, I do like my space.  However my job at the Farmer's Market has really created in me an urge to make connections. I've seen and felt the impact and joy and love found from making eye contact with a new person and inviting them into your world. (Especially over delicious food!) Relationships change. Some of them flourish and some of them fall out of sight. But there's always room for new relationships and there's always room to continue to grow and love the ones you're in.

Someone pointed out to me tonight that life is about making new moments. The real fun is finding ways to make the moments different and memorable. So be present. And be excited. Challenges come when you know you're on the right track. So go after them.

School, work, play, relationships.. I'm challenged by them all lately. But this has happened before.. so time to mix it up a bit, try something new, and realize that at the end of the day life is good and I am blessed.

“There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt.” Audre Lord

Namaste


Anne

Learning from the Wildfire

I was in Colorado Springs yesterday for a production. We had arrived early to the area and so we were trying to kill a little time before we had to be at our location. My producer pulled off the highway and made mention that he wanted to check out this ranch that was iconic for folks in the Springs and around other Colorado areas.

Colorado Springs is a city that sits below Pikes Peaks and its sister mountains. Normally these mountains are lush and green and beautiful, just the way they were created to be. But not today. They were black and burnt. The trees and wildflowers were dead.  And as we approached, instead of seeing a ranch we saw a vast open pit that once was a place of joy for so many. The ranch and the surrounding neighborhoods fell victim to the great fires of the summer heat.

It was eerie to see the haunted mountains and even worse the black ash remains of someone's life, home, property.

I woke this morning to the news of the shooting at the movie theater in Aurora Colorado. I fell so deeply broken and hurt when I read about the tragedy, much like I felt when I saw the aftermath of the wildfires in CO Springs. But what hurt the most was the reactions I listened to and read about. There was a lot of anger in the air. Fire begins with a spark and with enough wind and momentum it can spread very rapidly without a bit of warning. And it can lead to a mountain of destruction

I can't help but cry when I see and hear the judgements, the anger, and the hate being fueled in the midst of this all. I'm not trying to justify what this young man did, but I am curious of the spark the initiated the flame that spread like a wild fire to lead him to do such a thing. You see, I am feeling the conviction that we all have this potential inside of us to hurt others, to cause disaster, to become desperate, hateful. Some of us use verbal abuse, some of us physical abuse to ourselves or to others... But what pushes us to that point that we actually allow it to burn everything in our path?

The anger you feel and express is only fueling the spark created. And that spite is going to spread until your heart is full of burnt up love and grace that all will remain is a burden of ash.

We were all created in love to love. To be green and lush and beautiful like the mountains. And if we're not careful and we're not aware, the heat of our emotions are going to continue to destroy anything that once was perfectly and wonderfully meant to be - Love.

In my own response to the shooting, victims and the suspect, I feel the great need to pray for both, and to love without conditions because no one is too far from salvation and redemption.


A great article shared with me today.

How to react to Colorado shooting

(hint: no dark knight rises)

The Colorado shooting during a screening of the Batman movie 'The Dark Knight Rises'

will evoke calls for ways to prevent more mass killings. But such tragedies only point to

Americans having to learn how best to react personally.

By the Monitor's Editorial Board / July 20, 2012

As with other recent mass shootings in America – Columbine, Amish girls, Virginia Tech,

Fort Hood, Gabby Giffords – Friday’s killings at a movie theater in Aurora, Colo., has evoked

a desire to prevent another senseless tragedy.

People try to discern the motive of the killers, the means used, the lapses in security. And

simply bringing justice, such as a long prison sentence, isn’t enough for many.

The ultimate goal is reliable protection.

The most popular demands for ensuring public safety from mass murder will likely be calls to

better screen public places, tighten controls on guns, and demand less violence in media –

assuming that action flicks like Batman movies actually provoked the killer to open fire in the

theater.

Such solutions can change society on a large scale for the better. Gun laws do often work.

Young children do now watch less fictional violence. Law enforcement has become better at

detecting potential killers.

But the best protection lies within each individual, not only in improving one’s physical safety

but in the mental, emotional, and even spiritual ways we react to horrific events.

Killers often seek to evoke anger and fear in crowd shootings, perhaps out of a perverse

need to deal with those same emotions within themselves. Simply reacting to such murders

with anger and fear – while certainly understandable – may only reinforce such behavior.

The best antidotes are the opposites of those emotions. They include openness, empathy, a

respect for individual rights, and even forgiveness. These undermine the emotions that lead

to violence because they have a long-lasting reality, as seen in how human civilization has

advanced to embrace them as the core foundations for governance and daily life.

An open trial for this killer in a public courtroom will include many of these defining qualities,

such as a fair treatment of the facts and an adherence to the rule of law. Such traits may

take a long time to have their effect on violence-prone people. But history shows that

violence has declined as more societies adopt the humane ideals of justice.

Ultimately, those touched by the Colorado shooting – the survivors, the families of those

killed, and even the public at large – may be asked if they can forgive the killer.

The best example of this difficult but bold act was seen in 2006 after a gunman killed five

Amish girls in Nickel Mines, Pa. The Amish families of those killed immediately went to the

home of the gunman’s widow and humbled themselves in Christian faith to forgive the killer

and his family.

“Our forgiveness was not our words, it was what we did,” said the father of one slain girl. The

families brought gifts of flowers, food – and hugs. Dozens of Amish attended the killer’s

funeral.

The Amish faith compels such action. It sees forgiveness as essential to reflecting God’s

qualities of love for mankind and a necessary part of one’s own salvation.

For the nonreligious, modern psychology also embraces forgiveness as a part of personal

healing and as an antidote to revenge and hatred in society. Such good qualities are seen as

both necessary and natural.

That doesn’t mean killers shouldn’t be locked up, often for a long time. Others must be

protected until the convicted comes to accept those qualities that bred nonviolence in

individuals and thus society. They must find their own forgiveness for their acts, a process

helped along if they feel forgiveness from others.

After the Aurora shootings, the media, law enforcement, and others should watch to see if

Americans have better learned how best to react to such tragedies. All the better to prevent

them.

“When we truly discover how to love our neighbor as our self, Capitalism will not be possible and Marxism will not be necessary.”

Well.. this is a blog about my thoughts. And it may get lengthy and its going to go in many different directions but lately I've just wanted to write about it all.


I had a conversation not to long ago with Alison (previous roommate, forever my sister and one of my most trusted friends) and we were going down the road of relationships. I was telling her that I wasn't so opposed to the idea of being in a relationship as I once was, but the problem was I just couldn't find any man lately that I jived well enough with to actual consider dating. "The conversations I have with most guys these days are just dumb, superficial, surface, and pointless" I mentioned as I was telling her how frustrated and dumbfounded I was with how unoriginal most men were that I was meeting. She laughed, agreed, and said, "are we becoming critical or just real?" Good question. 


This isn't about why I remain to be a single lady but I often think of that conversation with Alison because of her question as I find myself being more and more frustration and dumbfounded with how we all live, act, and communicate. We, myself included, can be so so critical of others lifestyles, of our leaders, of religion. I've found myself so confused on how critical people can be of our government and our president. I see posts all the time filled with spite and hate on Obama or other leaders and I'm so sad and frustrated. First because our leaders are only as human and capable as you and I. Why do we put so much expectation on them and not on ourselves? We want them to fix everything, yet we're unwilling to partner with them and do what we can to help in that repair process. And at the same time we want them to be removed from our day-to-day. We don't want them to start programs or policies because it interferes with our 'freedom' Its very puzzling. What is it exactly that we're looking for then in these established positions and the people we elect? I see the division in our country, the open hate we have for one another, and the lack of personal responsibility and my heart just breaks. 


The same is with the 'church' I put it in quotes because there's many ways to define the church. A church can be a building, but it can also be defined as a group of those who gather, worship, and act based on the same faith. We can be so critical of the church, the leaders, the worship, the sermons, but what I've seen.. again myself included.. is that we're unwilling then to act on our own convictions. We're so divided and when someone on the outside looks in, they see the division, and the hate. Why would someone, who isn't a Christian, want to be a part of our hateful, divided church. You have heard the Ghandi quote, I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ. Christ came and led and taught about love, being a neighbor and a servant, giving to those in need, and above all grace. But in the church we bicker and criticize and then walk away frustrated. We think its ok to just be on our own, just God and I, doing what I want in life without worrying about those other Christians who have it wrong. We are disappointed with our leaders.. who are only human as you and I.. but yet we find no disappointment in ourselves. I've been there. I thought for the longest time I could be on my own and I didn't need to fix my frustrations with others, I just would do without others all together. But I've been learning a lot the importance of friends, of supporting our leaders, of working together through difficult times, how to not be critical and be more real.


My father often reminds me, when situations become hard and my minds becomes critical of my choices, that the road less taken is uncertain and requires a lot of pain, suffering, and endurance so that along the way we can endure together the struggles and offer ourselves to those we meet in tough situations. This year so far has been nothing short of painful, hard, and full of uncertainties. But I found a renewed sense of life, passion, and self in the midst. And its not because of my own abilities or strengths but rather because of my friends, family, and faith. I have seen a glimpse of the ideas behind the first church in my own life. And it works.
My heart is so full of hope because of the way some people chose to rally in my life when I was in need. What love has been expressed to me. And how much it has encouraged me to give love. I think that's what being real is all about. Recognizing the situation as what it is - sucky - but not stopping and accepting and leaving. But taking up responsibility, offering what we have, and moving towards a better day. 


I am in so much need of people, of their gifts and love, and of their discipline. The give and take is that they have given to me so I will be able to take and be better equipped to give to others. I now have the responsibility and the motivation and the ability to improve my situations whether that was finances, health, car repairs, you name it. I always am encouraged by the lessons that come out of our struggles. Maybe that's why our country is now struggling.. there are lessons we need to learn and implement to gain back strength, health, and growth. Maybe that's why the church is struggling too. And I think we need to stop being critical and become more real. We need to start evaluating our own heart, and stop judging the heart of others.  And then we need to forget what we perceive as possible, or practical and begin living, working, growing, and struggling together. That's the only way to change our situations. It can't be one individual leader, it has been to a community of leaders and followers who share a vision, and walk together. 


I've been reading a lot of Shane Claiborne lately. I'm currently going through his collaborative book with Dr. John Perkins. "Follow Me to Freedom, Leading and Following as an Ordinary Radical" I'm learning a lot about what it means to be a leader, and what it means to be a follower. I've worked with Dr. Perkins, he was the subject of my first documentary. This man, a civil rights leader and a man of God, understands completely that we need leaders but we also need to be in a community that recognizes problems and takes personal responsibility together to create a change in conditions. It can't be carried on the shoulders of one President. A chapter of this book I just finished was on friendship and the importance of relationships. Dr. Perkins said, "Friendship is a compliment." And he proceeds to talk about how by being in relationships, having friendships, working in a community, authority is given to those who can see your ignorance and bring it to your attention. When we allow that relationship to discipline and motivate us to change, change across the board happens. What truth. 


These have been my thoughts lately. We must all be willing to invest and be invested in if we want change and growth to happen. But standing divided and holding hate towards others, whether that's your brother, your neighbor, your pastor, or your president, only holds us back. Being critical is a waste of time, in my opinion. Being real, seeing a problem and wanting to work towards change with others, is what we need the most.


There are a lot of filmmakers out there that are very critical in their documentary stories. But I want to be real in mine. I was trying to explain what that means to someone the other day, and though he was polite about it, he was also very critical and uncertain that my idealistic production company would actually encourage people to think and live differently. But I was glad for his challenging comments because they're motivation to keep me on track if I truly believe what I'm aiming to do is worth while. My father also reminds me often that if we had all the answers now, upfront, then there wouldn't be much point to continue on our journeys. Its a constant practice of laying down our nets and choosing to follow a leader, an idea, a path because we believe in the end, and through action and faith, we will achieve a better day. But we must stand united even when we don't always understand. And we must encourage even when we are discouraged by others. And we must above all love even when we are angry. 


This summer is three years living in Colorado. I was asked the other day why I've decided to stay here. Most would probably assume my answer would be mountains. But that's not even close. Mountains are beautiful and the climbs I've had to the top have been some of my favorite experiences out here. But not because of the climb itself but rather because I climbed them with the friends I've made here. My happiness in Colorado has come from the friends who have chosen to love me, to accept me, to fulfill me, and to live life with me. For the first time in my life, though I'm young, but still for the first time I want so much to be in relationships, to be involved in some political organizations, to be a part of a church because I love so much people and I am so blessed by those who want to love me. My friends in Colorado have been my hope to push past my frustration with humanity. 


So maybe where I see this all coming full circle is that by choosing to love, encourage, and put in effort ourselves, we can find the hope and prosperity we seek. And our leaders too will make better decisions. But if all we want to do is criticize and complain then well we will never get past all of our troubles. As followers we must be, as best as we can, united in love. And we ourselves must be willing to sacrifice along with our leaders. 


I don't think we'll ever be happy with our government, our church, or our world unless we learn to love above conditions and to give of ourselves. There are many amazing leaders in this world and they're amazing because they love and have received love.  My relationships have taught me to love and now I want to encourage others to love, love without conditions or expectations. And stop criticizing. 




“For even if the whole world believed in resurrection, little would change until we began to practice it. We can believe in CPR, but people will remain dead until someone breathes new life into them. And we can tell the world that there is life after death, but the world really seems to be wondering if there is life before death.” Shane Claiborne. 


Namaste

History Lesson

So this is a little behind, and I've gone back and forth on how I wanted to approach these thoughts. So I've been slightly hesitant to post but what the heck.. there's no better way to process your thoughts then to put them out into the world and see how the world responds.

Why is it that we have to wait all year to start over again? I find it odd that we put so much into the starting of a new year.. a "new beginning." For me, I think every day should be celebrated as a new beginning (if you are looking for one). Instead for me the new year is a time to reflect on the previous months and decide how to continue on forward.

Mr. Codi, one of my favorite teachers from high school, was known for always saying, "Those who fail to study history are doomed to repeat it" On the day of his retirement he gave me a magazine cut out that had that quote on it. He said he carried it all throughout his decades of teaching. To this day, I still have that cut out and I carry it with me. Why? Because I really enjoyed this teacher (he had the reputation of being the hardest and grumpiest teacher in the school district) and how passionate he was about history. I find a lot of value in the way that history really does have a way of repeating itself. If we aren't careful and do not learn from the past we won't be better prepared the next time or a new time, there will be no growth. One of my favorite bands once said, "If you don't learn you won't grow. If you aren't growing then you're not really living" - Savage Garden. (They're really good just give them a chance)

So reflection and acknowledging lessons of 2011 is what I've spent a lot of time doing lately. The last time I was back in Pennsylvania, over a year ago, I found a book in my Dad's library, Blue Like Jazz. Not sure if he knows it or not, but I took the book because I had heard from some friends it was a great read. I spent the last year reading this book. It's not a long book, but it is a book that needs to be processed, slowly read, and considered. This past November I was coming to one of the closing chapters and it was about loving yourself well in order to love others. He referenced the golden rule "Love others as you love yourself." Naturally I believe we tend to see that and focus on the idea of loving others.. but his challenge was to focus on the second part of that, maybe the more important part, and that is to love yourself well.

And that is what 2011 was about for me. Learning to love myself well. Because if we don't love ourselves well, if we don't have grace with our own weaknesses, if we don't believe in our own dreams, if we don't stand firm in our own convictions.. then how are we suppose to have grace, patience, love, encouragement, or strength in our relationships with others? So as I looked back on 2011, I saw that it presented itself as a year of first experiences and a lot of hard experiences that has led me to a new year of taking those experiences and growing from them.

I started teaching video production at the collegiate level. That is very intimidating for someone who was fresh out of undergrad myself. Not to mention someone who had a history of being way too shy to talk to an audience, let alone carry the responsibility of education. But what I found was that not only do I have a passion for teaching, but that I'm good at it. And I know what I'm talking about. There were definitely times I felt overwhelmed and unequipped. But I kept with it and each class I became more capable and comfortable.

I suffered with my health. My digestive system went all sorts of whack and I faced a lot of trouble with food and my body. I couldn't eat without getting sick which resulted in lot of weight loss. I wasn't very encouraged at all when I went on the treatment and didn't see results. It made me feel horrible about myself... that I wasn't capable of getting healthier and I feared that meant not capable of climbing or mountaineering.

I traveled across the world into a new country without any real plans. I saw an opportunity and I took a leap of faith. I pushed my limits to trek a great distance on foot and climb high for the goal of just doing so. I sought relationships and conversations with people I would never have met if I didn't pick up and go. And I realized new potential and dreams within myself.

I spent the fall teaching and climbing and getting healthier. I put my mind to lead climbing, and I did it with the encouragement of great climbing partners. I started working out with a trainer who definitely pushes me way harder and further then I'd ever push myself. I really began to understand what's failing in my body and what I need to do to work with it and not let it defeat me. I set new goals and made new plans to go further in my travels, my productions, and my climbing. I taught again with a lot more certainty and a lot more confidence. I began to be more bold in my writing and the way I talked to people. I had a new outlook.

Things were going well.. until November when I began to get really sick again. And then I began to lose focus on where I was going in my career and if I was capable of making this film about women development, was it really even realistic? And then I was challenged hard on my faith, what I believe to be true in life, was I just ridiculous? Some mornings at the gym I would just flat out be weak.. why was I working out here again? I do not match up to these other athletes.. but that's when I read this chapter in Blue Like Jazz.. loving yourself well.

See for me, what I came to find to be true in my life is that I have a conditional love for myself. When I'm strong and things are going well, I feel good about myself, what I'm doing, and where I'm at. When things fall apart, take a hit, or challenge me to the point I feel an ounce of defeat.. I break. There is where 2011 ended and where 2012 will take me. What I want to do in my life and who I want to be comes with a lot of mountains and valleys. History has a way of repeating itself. I find myself approaching another semester of teaching, I find my health and my system failing, and I find myself inspired with plans of traveling and climbing this summer.

So here is where I'm at now, taking a look at what I have learned from my past year of experiences, and focusing and applying what those moments taught me.. I know I need to really process and absorb those times if I am to grow and move forward.

If we set new year resolutions without allowing ourselves to reflect and learn from the previous year then we're doomed to repeat the same failures or not grow towards goals. My health for example isn't cooperating the way I would want it to. But I also saw that no matter the effort I put in to make it better, nothing was working. I was setting myself up to fail again... and I had honestly come very far. So I sought some medical attention, I accepted treatment that terrified me, and now I'm also working on loving myself despite how I feel. I found that I can't fully contribute to relationships in my life until I fully invest in myself. I can't be strong for someone I know is sick and encourage that there is light at the end of the treatment if I don't believe it to be true for myself.

I think all too often we rely on each other and the opportunity to be relied on so we don't have to face ourselves. For example, I look to my climbing partners for feedback and encouragement to allow myself to say, good job you've done the best you can do at this point. If I don't get that then I feel very incapable. If I work out and hear someone say, "Nice job today" then I walk out of the gym feeling great. If I work out, and don't hear that feedback and don't reach the number of weight or reps as someone else, then I feel like a waste.

Love your neighbor as you love yourself. I think this is more challenging then loving someone else. But I also found this to be a great challenge, one that I really want to take head on. It makes sense to me and it makes sense how it's not selfish but rather being more capable of being a better half in a relationship whether thats a professional relationship or a romantic relationship. Any day, no matter the date, can be a day of beginnings, of starting a new path, whatever the path looks like. But if you're stuck, if you find that you made a resolution and you're not able to carry through with the commitment, stop. Take sometime to look at how it went for you before, take note of the similar movements and thoughts that didn't lead to success last time, and try something new. Allow yourself to have some grace and be confident enough that you can reach goals. Don't settle on when things aren't working at the moment, that doesn't mean failure. Most importantly, be assured in who you are, how far you've come, and that you can reach where you're going. It'll make you a lot happier and a lot healthier. That's my goal this year, and every year after. To love myself well and to love others well. To learn how to really be a better person to myself, more accepting. To work on my weaknesses, credit my strengths, allow moments for failure and be assured that there is light in those dark areas. And to just know that what I believe, value, and want isn't ridiculous. Its what brings me life and gives me strength, and is who I am. I'm going to learn from history, I'm going to be better prepared for the future, and I'm going to be open to new experiences, opportunities, and challenges.

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.

Namaste