Muscle Memory

It been a while since I've sat and filled this space with thoughts and updates. I don't really have a profound statement to make today, or a life question to offer into the world, I am simply just trying to bring myself back into the routine of writing. A friend told me the other night at dinner that getting back into writing is just like getting back into any practice, you simply have to just start. And soon with some time, and muscle memory kicking in, the words will begin flowing again. 

Since my enrollment in grad school, I have lost serious interest in reading and writing recreationally - mainly because reading and writing is so heavily required at school. But lately I have missed the excitement I use to feel when I would sit and write. And I have really missed the engagement I use to find with a good story. Now if I sit still long enough to open up a book, I'm out - dead asleep. (Which also happens when I try to read all the required texts for class too.. oy I'm an awful grad student!) 

Life has been going and going and going these past few years since I've moved to Colorado and the benefit of this blog for me is that I can go back and remember the little moments of my journeys that have been lost in the overall picture. 

I reread my blog posts last night from my time in Nepal and it was as if I was experiencing it for the first time again. TomTom (my roommate) and I were talking last night how Tolkien's writings are like that - you can go back and reread his books time and again and always find something new that you didn't remember from the last time you read his stories. Not that I am anywhere close to being the brilliant author as he was, but I have found that the benefit of writing gives me the chance to go back and find things about my own journey that I didn't notice, realize, or remember. 

2013 has been a full packed year - I started my own company, I enrolled in grad school, I was blessed to be a part of new productions that truly challenged me in unbelievable ways and moved me forward, my nephew was born, I took on some larger mountain objectives, I bought a new car, I moved my company into it's own office space, I am a part of two amazing documentaries that truly are making significant strides in community and leadership building, I have made some amazing new friends and climbing partners who not only encourage and grow me in the outdoors, but also as a person, Alyssa and I finally put our crafts in a public show, and I have the great opportunity to experience some of my dearest friends finding their soul mates and begin planning their wedding life together, Chris and I have made some really good meals, and I've been able to grow in the relationships and roles of my life. 

Its been a whirlwind. And the other day I was telling my Mom that 2014 is already filling up, I'm about booked until September! It is hard to fit in all my commitments and desires into my day-to-day and sometimes its even harder to then remember all the special details and moments of those days. So here I sit, in an effort to document and to share this life of mine.  I'm getting ready to travel for the holidays and be with my family. And I'm looking forward to the new year and all the adventures it will offer. I'm looking forward too to remembering to take the time to sit, write, and reflect - Happy Wednesday.

Namaste

“The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say

Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.” - J.R.R. Tolkien 

  

From Rock Star to Rock Climber

Have you ever paused and taken notice to how our dreams, hobbies, outlooks, relationships, interests continue to change as we grow older. Well of course.. its because we gain perspective, experience, and acceptance of what can be and what can never be. 

I was very excited the other night because I was able to purchase my first brand new set of ice climbing tools. I love this sport, like deeply madly insanely love this sport. Frozen water is truly magnificent. And I am humbled by the grace it gives for us climbers to hack sharp objects into it and ascend on up. It's actually a very odd activity now that I think about it but I never would have thought of myself as an ice climber two.. five.. or ten years ago. 

This morning I received an email that a lady wanted to purchase my guitar for her daughter. I put up an ad the other day to sell it and all of the accessories I've gotten for it over the years because truthfully it has sat in the corner of my room the past three years that I've lived in my apartment practically untouched. (I did pick it up once about seven months ago to play, but as I was tuning it the strings snapped and so I put it back on the stand and went for a run instead.) Ice climbing is an expensive sport, and so is buying groceries. So I thought its probably time to get rid of the things that are collecting dust in my life and make a little cash to pay the odds and ends. But I was humbly surprised at the instant reaction of resistance  to answer this woman's reply now that the time has actually come to sell my guitar. Its very special to me. Two of my dearest friends from High School gave me this guitar for my 21st birthday present since my dream at the time was to quite everything I was doing and play at coffee shops in the city.. my boyfriend then gave me beginner books and encouraged me to play and my roommate put up with me practicing the same five cords over and again for months because it was all I knew.. and all my free time and money was spent going to concerts and admiring/observing the way the musicians flowed with their instruments hoping I one day too would be able to play so well.  So I'm saying goodbye to more then just the physical guitar. I'm saying goodbye to the way the relationships once were and to the dreams I once had and the life I once wanted.

I was just home for the holidays.. Pennsylvania that is. I don't go back East often mainly because it's expensive and I'm busy, but the opportunity to spend Christmas and New Years with family and friends opened up and so I traveled back for a week. When I call home to my parents or talk to my friends I always get the same sound bites.. "oh nothing new here. Nothing ever changes in Butler (Pittsburgh).." but that's not true. Again I was pleasantly surprised and humbled by just how much things have changed in such a short time. And how I noticed more since I've been gone. My relatives (forgive me for saying this) are aging and so the conversations and energy have changed. Its not bad but I had to come to terms that no one lasts forever. I'm really really thankful for my family, and am madly insanely more in love with them then anything else I have in my life.  It was something that I realized or took notice to more when I was with them. How I wish I could take all of them back to my life in Colorado or how I wished I could bring my life in Colorado back to Pennsylvania. That can't be the case, but still I wish it could. Home for me is no longer in PA, but sometimes I wish it were. 

As I was driving to and from visits with friends I realized just how beautiful Pennsylvania really is. The trees and the open fields are incredible. I would go on morning runs up and down the hills, past frozen lakes and around old houses and have complete excitement for the views and fresh air. I never noticed just how peaceful and promising this place was. And for the first time when I was in Pittsburgh I saw just how amazing this city is. The structures and layout is incredible. When production crews use to come to town members I worked with would rave of how timeless and great Pittsburgh was. (I thought Pittsburgh was old and dead to be honest.) But now, after leaving and coming back, yeah it really is beautiful. And the buildings hold history and stories and passion. I could have walked in awe of that city for hours.

Four years really has changed a lot. Friends have moved away for work and love. Friends have stayed for work, found love, and are now having babies. Some friends are working on trying to find new love and new jobs and new directions.. And yet it doesn't feel like I've been gone that long. What I wasn't expecting was to feel the resistance to let go of what once was. I'm very excited for all of them and I'm excited for myself. But maybe for the first time I allowed myself to feel a bit of sadness that when I do visit again some of these friends won't be in town to catch up. And some will have to bring their children along so they can't go to karaoke bars anymore. And some will have wives and it won't be acceptable to hang out with their old gal pal Anne alone. These are not bad things, oh my gosh these are beautiful exciting new directions, but I have put PA and my memories there in a bubble and now I have to break that bubble and let all those I love so dearly be freed to grow and move and change in my mind. 

For the past few months I've had this "out-of-body" perspective where I've seen my friends and family in Colorado change, grow, move in new directions and it's really exciting. But with that comes the ultimate reality that I have to be willing to change too. In my own life I'm constantly moving, exploring, seeking, changing... but I think in a way I've always expected everyone else to just stay put so that I can pursue my own desires but I can also have them stay exactly where they are so I don't lose them. Its selfish and silly. I really do love to see my friends and family grow and chase their wild dreams. It brings me a lot of joy to see passion being lived out the way I try to live out my own passions. But it also gives me slight anxiety when I have to consider how their new dreams change the dynamics of my life. This is growing up. I think what 2012 really presented to me was preparation that things will begin to change more rapidly and dramatically so its time to face it. It will come with some growing pains on my end, some acceptance despite disagreement on the dynamics that need to change in certain relationships. And I have to wonder and consider how my own life and decisions and dreams have effected and will effect others. 

Change is good. New dreams are great. And so are new experiences, relationships, perspectives, and opportunities. When I was 21 years old and received that guitar as a gift I wanted to be a kick-ass news reporter, I wanted to bring justice in the Middle East, I wanted to live in a city and wear pretty dresses and drive an SUV and travel all the time.

Now, five short years later, I still want to travel all the time. And occasionally I want to put on a pretty dress. But I also want to climb big mountains, and I'd rather ride my bike then drive. And although I still want to use media as a means of social justice, I have a very different approach. And the relationships that surrounded me at the time of my guitar are still in life, but they are very different. I'm happy and blessed by it all.   I have to smile, tear up, and enjoy the dreams that once were and be excited for the dreams that are now. So this is goodbye to my guitar, hello to my ice tools. 

Through it all its really awesome to know that the best things in life, the love and support and memories and laughs shared with those I love and share life with will always.. always stay the same.  

Namaste

Out with the old

In with the new

Realizations

I had originally constructed a blog with this title "Realizations" a few days ago, but didn't feel really into it and was very hesitant about posting it. Normally when I write I just go with it.. type it all out, proof it quickly, then post it and let it be... 

I was thinking about this unposted entry tonight and how I wasn't telling you anything new, or anything I haven't said in a different way before. The past month or so I've been a part of the Boulder International Film Festival Selection Committee.. which means I'm on the jury that yay's or nay's submissions. One of the biggest critiques into why a lot of films don't make the cut is that they aren't telling us anything new. Same old story.. told the same old way. NEXT!

Sometimes themes have a way of repeating themselves in our lives just like they have a way of repeating themselves in movies.  Doesn't mean they aren't worth telling but the question or challenge should then be, are you going to tell the story differently? And if so, how?

I was driving home tonight from a long day of conversations. Good conversations. Conversations about new opportunity, current struggles, people standing up for what they believe in; and I had this crazy warm energy stirring up in me. I really just wanted to take that energy and go for a long run to embrace it.

So when considering the post I had originally written under this title, I had a new realization.. I was telling the same story the same way about my life lately. So the question then to follow is do I want to make the story, the blog, different or do I just keep writing and expressing myself the same old way? Don't misunderstand this as me saying I've been doing things wrong lately because I don't see that to be true. But there are some things that I'd like to start doing differently. That's just growth and that is really exciting. This is me embracing realizations.

I'd like to be more centered. I would like to be present in the moment. So I bought a bike and instead of driving everywhere I now try to ride my bike as many places as I can. For one it cuts back on gas money so I don't have to constantly be worrying where my next pay check will be coming from to pay for the fuel in my tank. And for another I get to experience a different view of the streets and neighborhoods I travel down so much. Denver is gorgeous from a bike. I don't even mind traffic. And I love knowing that I can only go as fast my legs will peddle. Somedays thats a pretty decent speed and other days not so much. So however long it takes to get to my next destination depends on me being present and listening to my own physical strength. I really like riding my bike over driving. 

I'm back in school and its difficult. I realize that I"m treating grad school a lot like I did upgrad.. do a lot of work and spend very little time doing anything else. Same story. Well I'd like to really be present in my classes and I'd like to get to know the people around me. Its my colleagues that have much to teach me about life, servitude, education, travel.. I don't want to overlook or breeze past this opportunity.

I want to continue to be tenacious in my beliefs and grow in my passions. Its exciting for me to say that I have a long list that keeps growing of new productions and network opportunities. But it will require taking some big risks, walking away from some people and jobs that have been staples for me these past few years, and running forward with ideas and new connections that I have no idea where they will lead. But that's exciting. And its scary. But mostly exciting.. and scary. That to me is the greatest adventure we can journey off into. Dream chasing, risk taking, daring to be passionate. I'm jonesed.

I, more then ever, am excited about my work. What drives me to want to be a film producer? Human connections. Learning about lifestyles, beliefs, practices. Living and experiencing all that life brings with another, that's fulfilling to me. I'm not great at it, I do like my space.  However my job at the Farmer's Market has really created in me an urge to make connections. I've seen and felt the impact and joy and love found from making eye contact with a new person and inviting them into your world. (Especially over delicious food!) Relationships change. Some of them flourish and some of them fall out of sight. But there's always room for new relationships and there's always room to continue to grow and love the ones you're in.

Someone pointed out to me tonight that life is about making new moments. The real fun is finding ways to make the moments different and memorable. So be present. And be excited. Challenges come when you know you're on the right track. So go after them.

School, work, play, relationships.. I'm challenged by them all lately. But this has happened before.. so time to mix it up a bit, try something new, and realize that at the end of the day life is good and I am blessed.

“There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt.” Audre Lord

Namaste


Anne

Learning from the Wildfire

I was in Colorado Springs yesterday for a production. We had arrived early to the area and so we were trying to kill a little time before we had to be at our location. My producer pulled off the highway and made mention that he wanted to check out this ranch that was iconic for folks in the Springs and around other Colorado areas.

Colorado Springs is a city that sits below Pikes Peaks and its sister mountains. Normally these mountains are lush and green and beautiful, just the way they were created to be. But not today. They were black and burnt. The trees and wildflowers were dead.  And as we approached, instead of seeing a ranch we saw a vast open pit that once was a place of joy for so many. The ranch and the surrounding neighborhoods fell victim to the great fires of the summer heat.

It was eerie to see the haunted mountains and even worse the black ash remains of someone's life, home, property.

I woke this morning to the news of the shooting at the movie theater in Aurora Colorado. I fell so deeply broken and hurt when I read about the tragedy, much like I felt when I saw the aftermath of the wildfires in CO Springs. But what hurt the most was the reactions I listened to and read about. There was a lot of anger in the air. Fire begins with a spark and with enough wind and momentum it can spread very rapidly without a bit of warning. And it can lead to a mountain of destruction

I can't help but cry when I see and hear the judgements, the anger, and the hate being fueled in the midst of this all. I'm not trying to justify what this young man did, but I am curious of the spark the initiated the flame that spread like a wild fire to lead him to do such a thing. You see, I am feeling the conviction that we all have this potential inside of us to hurt others, to cause disaster, to become desperate, hateful. Some of us use verbal abuse, some of us physical abuse to ourselves or to others... But what pushes us to that point that we actually allow it to burn everything in our path?

The anger you feel and express is only fueling the spark created. And that spite is going to spread until your heart is full of burnt up love and grace that all will remain is a burden of ash.

We were all created in love to love. To be green and lush and beautiful like the mountains. And if we're not careful and we're not aware, the heat of our emotions are going to continue to destroy anything that once was perfectly and wonderfully meant to be - Love.

In my own response to the shooting, victims and the suspect, I feel the great need to pray for both, and to love without conditions because no one is too far from salvation and redemption.


A great article shared with me today.

How to react to Colorado shooting

(hint: no dark knight rises)

The Colorado shooting during a screening of the Batman movie 'The Dark Knight Rises'

will evoke calls for ways to prevent more mass killings. But such tragedies only point to

Americans having to learn how best to react personally.

By the Monitor's Editorial Board / July 20, 2012

As with other recent mass shootings in America – Columbine, Amish girls, Virginia Tech,

Fort Hood, Gabby Giffords – Friday’s killings at a movie theater in Aurora, Colo., has evoked

a desire to prevent another senseless tragedy.

People try to discern the motive of the killers, the means used, the lapses in security. And

simply bringing justice, such as a long prison sentence, isn’t enough for many.

The ultimate goal is reliable protection.

The most popular demands for ensuring public safety from mass murder will likely be calls to

better screen public places, tighten controls on guns, and demand less violence in media –

assuming that action flicks like Batman movies actually provoked the killer to open fire in the

theater.

Such solutions can change society on a large scale for the better. Gun laws do often work.

Young children do now watch less fictional violence. Law enforcement has become better at

detecting potential killers.

But the best protection lies within each individual, not only in improving one’s physical safety

but in the mental, emotional, and even spiritual ways we react to horrific events.

Killers often seek to evoke anger and fear in crowd shootings, perhaps out of a perverse

need to deal with those same emotions within themselves. Simply reacting to such murders

with anger and fear – while certainly understandable – may only reinforce such behavior.

The best antidotes are the opposites of those emotions. They include openness, empathy, a

respect for individual rights, and even forgiveness. These undermine the emotions that lead

to violence because they have a long-lasting reality, as seen in how human civilization has

advanced to embrace them as the core foundations for governance and daily life.

An open trial for this killer in a public courtroom will include many of these defining qualities,

such as a fair treatment of the facts and an adherence to the rule of law. Such traits may

take a long time to have their effect on violence-prone people. But history shows that

violence has declined as more societies adopt the humane ideals of justice.

Ultimately, those touched by the Colorado shooting – the survivors, the families of those

killed, and even the public at large – may be asked if they can forgive the killer.

The best example of this difficult but bold act was seen in 2006 after a gunman killed five

Amish girls in Nickel Mines, Pa. The Amish families of those killed immediately went to the

home of the gunman’s widow and humbled themselves in Christian faith to forgive the killer

and his family.

“Our forgiveness was not our words, it was what we did,” said the father of one slain girl. The

families brought gifts of flowers, food – and hugs. Dozens of Amish attended the killer’s

funeral.

The Amish faith compels such action. It sees forgiveness as essential to reflecting God’s

qualities of love for mankind and a necessary part of one’s own salvation.

For the nonreligious, modern psychology also embraces forgiveness as a part of personal

healing and as an antidote to revenge and hatred in society. Such good qualities are seen as

both necessary and natural.

That doesn’t mean killers shouldn’t be locked up, often for a long time. Others must be

protected until the convicted comes to accept those qualities that bred nonviolence in

individuals and thus society. They must find their own forgiveness for their acts, a process

helped along if they feel forgiveness from others.

After the Aurora shootings, the media, law enforcement, and others should watch to see if

Americans have better learned how best to react to such tragedies. All the better to prevent

them.

“When we truly discover how to love our neighbor as our self, Capitalism will not be possible and Marxism will not be necessary.”

Well.. this is a blog about my thoughts. And it may get lengthy and its going to go in many different directions but lately I've just wanted to write about it all.


I had a conversation not to long ago with Alison (previous roommate, forever my sister and one of my most trusted friends) and we were going down the road of relationships. I was telling her that I wasn't so opposed to the idea of being in a relationship as I once was, but the problem was I just couldn't find any man lately that I jived well enough with to actual consider dating. "The conversations I have with most guys these days are just dumb, superficial, surface, and pointless" I mentioned as I was telling her how frustrated and dumbfounded I was with how unoriginal most men were that I was meeting. She laughed, agreed, and said, "are we becoming critical or just real?" Good question. 


This isn't about why I remain to be a single lady but I often think of that conversation with Alison because of her question as I find myself being more and more frustration and dumbfounded with how we all live, act, and communicate. We, myself included, can be so so critical of others lifestyles, of our leaders, of religion. I've found myself so confused on how critical people can be of our government and our president. I see posts all the time filled with spite and hate on Obama or other leaders and I'm so sad and frustrated. First because our leaders are only as human and capable as you and I. Why do we put so much expectation on them and not on ourselves? We want them to fix everything, yet we're unwilling to partner with them and do what we can to help in that repair process. And at the same time we want them to be removed from our day-to-day. We don't want them to start programs or policies because it interferes with our 'freedom' Its very puzzling. What is it exactly that we're looking for then in these established positions and the people we elect? I see the division in our country, the open hate we have for one another, and the lack of personal responsibility and my heart just breaks. 


The same is with the 'church' I put it in quotes because there's many ways to define the church. A church can be a building, but it can also be defined as a group of those who gather, worship, and act based on the same faith. We can be so critical of the church, the leaders, the worship, the sermons, but what I've seen.. again myself included.. is that we're unwilling then to act on our own convictions. We're so divided and when someone on the outside looks in, they see the division, and the hate. Why would someone, who isn't a Christian, want to be a part of our hateful, divided church. You have heard the Ghandi quote, I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ. Christ came and led and taught about love, being a neighbor and a servant, giving to those in need, and above all grace. But in the church we bicker and criticize and then walk away frustrated. We think its ok to just be on our own, just God and I, doing what I want in life without worrying about those other Christians who have it wrong. We are disappointed with our leaders.. who are only human as you and I.. but yet we find no disappointment in ourselves. I've been there. I thought for the longest time I could be on my own and I didn't need to fix my frustrations with others, I just would do without others all together. But I've been learning a lot the importance of friends, of supporting our leaders, of working together through difficult times, how to not be critical and be more real.


My father often reminds me, when situations become hard and my minds becomes critical of my choices, that the road less taken is uncertain and requires a lot of pain, suffering, and endurance so that along the way we can endure together the struggles and offer ourselves to those we meet in tough situations. This year so far has been nothing short of painful, hard, and full of uncertainties. But I found a renewed sense of life, passion, and self in the midst. And its not because of my own abilities or strengths but rather because of my friends, family, and faith. I have seen a glimpse of the ideas behind the first church in my own life. And it works.
My heart is so full of hope because of the way some people chose to rally in my life when I was in need. What love has been expressed to me. And how much it has encouraged me to give love. I think that's what being real is all about. Recognizing the situation as what it is - sucky - but not stopping and accepting and leaving. But taking up responsibility, offering what we have, and moving towards a better day. 


I am in so much need of people, of their gifts and love, and of their discipline. The give and take is that they have given to me so I will be able to take and be better equipped to give to others. I now have the responsibility and the motivation and the ability to improve my situations whether that was finances, health, car repairs, you name it. I always am encouraged by the lessons that come out of our struggles. Maybe that's why our country is now struggling.. there are lessons we need to learn and implement to gain back strength, health, and growth. Maybe that's why the church is struggling too. And I think we need to stop being critical and become more real. We need to start evaluating our own heart, and stop judging the heart of others.  And then we need to forget what we perceive as possible, or practical and begin living, working, growing, and struggling together. That's the only way to change our situations. It can't be one individual leader, it has been to a community of leaders and followers who share a vision, and walk together. 


I've been reading a lot of Shane Claiborne lately. I'm currently going through his collaborative book with Dr. John Perkins. "Follow Me to Freedom, Leading and Following as an Ordinary Radical" I'm learning a lot about what it means to be a leader, and what it means to be a follower. I've worked with Dr. Perkins, he was the subject of my first documentary. This man, a civil rights leader and a man of God, understands completely that we need leaders but we also need to be in a community that recognizes problems and takes personal responsibility together to create a change in conditions. It can't be carried on the shoulders of one President. A chapter of this book I just finished was on friendship and the importance of relationships. Dr. Perkins said, "Friendship is a compliment." And he proceeds to talk about how by being in relationships, having friendships, working in a community, authority is given to those who can see your ignorance and bring it to your attention. When we allow that relationship to discipline and motivate us to change, change across the board happens. What truth. 


These have been my thoughts lately. We must all be willing to invest and be invested in if we want change and growth to happen. But standing divided and holding hate towards others, whether that's your brother, your neighbor, your pastor, or your president, only holds us back. Being critical is a waste of time, in my opinion. Being real, seeing a problem and wanting to work towards change with others, is what we need the most.


There are a lot of filmmakers out there that are very critical in their documentary stories. But I want to be real in mine. I was trying to explain what that means to someone the other day, and though he was polite about it, he was also very critical and uncertain that my idealistic production company would actually encourage people to think and live differently. But I was glad for his challenging comments because they're motivation to keep me on track if I truly believe what I'm aiming to do is worth while. My father also reminds me often that if we had all the answers now, upfront, then there wouldn't be much point to continue on our journeys. Its a constant practice of laying down our nets and choosing to follow a leader, an idea, a path because we believe in the end, and through action and faith, we will achieve a better day. But we must stand united even when we don't always understand. And we must encourage even when we are discouraged by others. And we must above all love even when we are angry. 


This summer is three years living in Colorado. I was asked the other day why I've decided to stay here. Most would probably assume my answer would be mountains. But that's not even close. Mountains are beautiful and the climbs I've had to the top have been some of my favorite experiences out here. But not because of the climb itself but rather because I climbed them with the friends I've made here. My happiness in Colorado has come from the friends who have chosen to love me, to accept me, to fulfill me, and to live life with me. For the first time in my life, though I'm young, but still for the first time I want so much to be in relationships, to be involved in some political organizations, to be a part of a church because I love so much people and I am so blessed by those who want to love me. My friends in Colorado have been my hope to push past my frustration with humanity. 


So maybe where I see this all coming full circle is that by choosing to love, encourage, and put in effort ourselves, we can find the hope and prosperity we seek. And our leaders too will make better decisions. But if all we want to do is criticize and complain then well we will never get past all of our troubles. As followers we must be, as best as we can, united in love. And we ourselves must be willing to sacrifice along with our leaders. 


I don't think we'll ever be happy with our government, our church, or our world unless we learn to love above conditions and to give of ourselves. There are many amazing leaders in this world and they're amazing because they love and have received love.  My relationships have taught me to love and now I want to encourage others to love, love without conditions or expectations. And stop criticizing. 




“For even if the whole world believed in resurrection, little would change until we began to practice it. We can believe in CPR, but people will remain dead until someone breathes new life into them. And we can tell the world that there is life after death, but the world really seems to be wondering if there is life before death.” Shane Claiborne. 


Namaste

History Lesson

So this is a little behind, and I've gone back and forth on how I wanted to approach these thoughts. So I've been slightly hesitant to post but what the heck.. there's no better way to process your thoughts then to put them out into the world and see how the world responds.

Why is it that we have to wait all year to start over again? I find it odd that we put so much into the starting of a new year.. a "new beginning." For me, I think every day should be celebrated as a new beginning (if you are looking for one). Instead for me the new year is a time to reflect on the previous months and decide how to continue on forward.

Mr. Codi, one of my favorite teachers from high school, was known for always saying, "Those who fail to study history are doomed to repeat it" On the day of his retirement he gave me a magazine cut out that had that quote on it. He said he carried it all throughout his decades of teaching. To this day, I still have that cut out and I carry it with me. Why? Because I really enjoyed this teacher (he had the reputation of being the hardest and grumpiest teacher in the school district) and how passionate he was about history. I find a lot of value in the way that history really does have a way of repeating itself. If we aren't careful and do not learn from the past we won't be better prepared the next time or a new time, there will be no growth. One of my favorite bands once said, "If you don't learn you won't grow. If you aren't growing then you're not really living" - Savage Garden. (They're really good just give them a chance)

So reflection and acknowledging lessons of 2011 is what I've spent a lot of time doing lately. The last time I was back in Pennsylvania, over a year ago, I found a book in my Dad's library, Blue Like Jazz. Not sure if he knows it or not, but I took the book because I had heard from some friends it was a great read. I spent the last year reading this book. It's not a long book, but it is a book that needs to be processed, slowly read, and considered. This past November I was coming to one of the closing chapters and it was about loving yourself well in order to love others. He referenced the golden rule "Love others as you love yourself." Naturally I believe we tend to see that and focus on the idea of loving others.. but his challenge was to focus on the second part of that, maybe the more important part, and that is to love yourself well.

And that is what 2011 was about for me. Learning to love myself well. Because if we don't love ourselves well, if we don't have grace with our own weaknesses, if we don't believe in our own dreams, if we don't stand firm in our own convictions.. then how are we suppose to have grace, patience, love, encouragement, or strength in our relationships with others? So as I looked back on 2011, I saw that it presented itself as a year of first experiences and a lot of hard experiences that has led me to a new year of taking those experiences and growing from them.

I started teaching video production at the collegiate level. That is very intimidating for someone who was fresh out of undergrad myself. Not to mention someone who had a history of being way too shy to talk to an audience, let alone carry the responsibility of education. But what I found was that not only do I have a passion for teaching, but that I'm good at it. And I know what I'm talking about. There were definitely times I felt overwhelmed and unequipped. But I kept with it and each class I became more capable and comfortable.

I suffered with my health. My digestive system went all sorts of whack and I faced a lot of trouble with food and my body. I couldn't eat without getting sick which resulted in lot of weight loss. I wasn't very encouraged at all when I went on the treatment and didn't see results. It made me feel horrible about myself... that I wasn't capable of getting healthier and I feared that meant not capable of climbing or mountaineering.

I traveled across the world into a new country without any real plans. I saw an opportunity and I took a leap of faith. I pushed my limits to trek a great distance on foot and climb high for the goal of just doing so. I sought relationships and conversations with people I would never have met if I didn't pick up and go. And I realized new potential and dreams within myself.

I spent the fall teaching and climbing and getting healthier. I put my mind to lead climbing, and I did it with the encouragement of great climbing partners. I started working out with a trainer who definitely pushes me way harder and further then I'd ever push myself. I really began to understand what's failing in my body and what I need to do to work with it and not let it defeat me. I set new goals and made new plans to go further in my travels, my productions, and my climbing. I taught again with a lot more certainty and a lot more confidence. I began to be more bold in my writing and the way I talked to people. I had a new outlook.

Things were going well.. until November when I began to get really sick again. And then I began to lose focus on where I was going in my career and if I was capable of making this film about women development, was it really even realistic? And then I was challenged hard on my faith, what I believe to be true in life, was I just ridiculous? Some mornings at the gym I would just flat out be weak.. why was I working out here again? I do not match up to these other athletes.. but that's when I read this chapter in Blue Like Jazz.. loving yourself well.

See for me, what I came to find to be true in my life is that I have a conditional love for myself. When I'm strong and things are going well, I feel good about myself, what I'm doing, and where I'm at. When things fall apart, take a hit, or challenge me to the point I feel an ounce of defeat.. I break. There is where 2011 ended and where 2012 will take me. What I want to do in my life and who I want to be comes with a lot of mountains and valleys. History has a way of repeating itself. I find myself approaching another semester of teaching, I find my health and my system failing, and I find myself inspired with plans of traveling and climbing this summer.

So here is where I'm at now, taking a look at what I have learned from my past year of experiences, and focusing and applying what those moments taught me.. I know I need to really process and absorb those times if I am to grow and move forward.

If we set new year resolutions without allowing ourselves to reflect and learn from the previous year then we're doomed to repeat the same failures or not grow towards goals. My health for example isn't cooperating the way I would want it to. But I also saw that no matter the effort I put in to make it better, nothing was working. I was setting myself up to fail again... and I had honestly come very far. So I sought some medical attention, I accepted treatment that terrified me, and now I'm also working on loving myself despite how I feel. I found that I can't fully contribute to relationships in my life until I fully invest in myself. I can't be strong for someone I know is sick and encourage that there is light at the end of the treatment if I don't believe it to be true for myself.

I think all too often we rely on each other and the opportunity to be relied on so we don't have to face ourselves. For example, I look to my climbing partners for feedback and encouragement to allow myself to say, good job you've done the best you can do at this point. If I don't get that then I feel very incapable. If I work out and hear someone say, "Nice job today" then I walk out of the gym feeling great. If I work out, and don't hear that feedback and don't reach the number of weight or reps as someone else, then I feel like a waste.

Love your neighbor as you love yourself. I think this is more challenging then loving someone else. But I also found this to be a great challenge, one that I really want to take head on. It makes sense to me and it makes sense how it's not selfish but rather being more capable of being a better half in a relationship whether thats a professional relationship or a romantic relationship. Any day, no matter the date, can be a day of beginnings, of starting a new path, whatever the path looks like. But if you're stuck, if you find that you made a resolution and you're not able to carry through with the commitment, stop. Take sometime to look at how it went for you before, take note of the similar movements and thoughts that didn't lead to success last time, and try something new. Allow yourself to have some grace and be confident enough that you can reach goals. Don't settle on when things aren't working at the moment, that doesn't mean failure. Most importantly, be assured in who you are, how far you've come, and that you can reach where you're going. It'll make you a lot happier and a lot healthier. That's my goal this year, and every year after. To love myself well and to love others well. To learn how to really be a better person to myself, more accepting. To work on my weaknesses, credit my strengths, allow moments for failure and be assured that there is light in those dark areas. And to just know that what I believe, value, and want isn't ridiculous. Its what brings me life and gives me strength, and is who I am. I'm going to learn from history, I'm going to be better prepared for the future, and I'm going to be open to new experiences, opportunities, and challenges.

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.

Namaste

This Holiday I'm Thankful for Family.. and Grace

I watched a documentary the other day, "Happy" A filmmaker's story of how we achieve happiness, what it means to be happy, and who are the happiest people alive. There was one particular piece of the movie that stuck out to me. A woman shared her story of how through tragedy she found light and happiness. When she was a teen and throughout her twenties, she was this very beautiful woman. She married and had children and spent her days being a super mom. She talked about how busy and demanding she allowed her life to be. I think she felt she was on show for the world to see. The beautiful wonderful perfect wife and mother. One day she was run over by a truck and her face was smashed into a dirt road. Her beauty was completely ripped away.. or so she thought. The images that followed were horrible. She had no nose, no lips, and her cheeks were completely ripped open. Awful. Her accident didn't only affect her physically. She suffered from flashbacks of being sexually abused by her father as a child. For years she hid her past behind her beauty and her determination to be a super wife and mother. But now she was forced to face the ugliness in her own life. She was helpless.. hopeless.. and her husband left her. Awful. How do you live life when everything is taken away from you? She didn't know and so she thought seriously about suicide. "After my children are grown and don't need me, then I'll kill myself" That was her plan. But you see, in the six months proceeding her decision to take her own life she realized that despite her physical appearance from the accident and despite her burdened heart from her abuse, she was still needed and she was still a super mom. Her children didn't need her because she was beautiful or because she was such a great multitasker.. they needed her because she was their mom. Her story had a happy ending. She found purpose to live, fulfillment in her life, and she met a new man who loved her exactly for who she was. She said she found happiness for the first time.

Some might say.. well everything happens for a reason. And in this particular story I'm sure that would be a common reaction, but I disagree. One interview with a psychologist in this documentary said, "You can't have pleasure without pain" You can't know happiness or reach contentment without knowing loss or suffering. But I don't think that means we have to face significant tragedy in order to pursue a life of happiness. But when we do face hardship if we allow ourselves to, we can find joy and purpose in midst of life's hardest situations. I can relate to this woman. I can relate to her preaccident life of work work work, do everything perfect, don't mess up, be everything to everyone... and then suddenly life smashes your face in and you have to really stop and see ugliness for the first time.

Maybe you know and maybe you don't, but my senior year of college I lost my little brother. Tomorrow, November 22, is Christopher's 23 birthday and on December 9 of this year it will be three years since he was killed. I've been thinking a lot about him lately, who he was, what his life meant, what our relationship was and what it wasn't. And then I've been thinking of his laugh. He had a very joyful laugh.. probably the best one I've ever heard. I never told him that nor did I ever appreciate it while he was alive. Christopher and I didn't have much of a relationship. He was a troubled soul and I never could allow myself to have patience or grace with him.. why couldn't he find happiness? Because of this bitterness towards him I rarely found happiness myself. I just decided that I had to compensate for his life by always being on top of my own game and doing as much as humanly possible.

When Christopher died I didn't know how life would continue on. How could someone be in my life for 20 years and then poof they're gone? What do you do with that? I found it hard to even remember that I had a little brother, that I spent the first part of life with him. But like the woman in the accident I found out that my work ethic or my talents weren't going to bring me happiness and didn't define who I was. Its been a long road, but I'm finding more happiness and contentment in life then I could have imagined. A lot of it has come from Christopher's story in my life. I've learned to slow down, appreciate and pursue relationships, accept grace, and pursue peace.

What got me thinking when I saw this documentary the other day was one man's testimony of how he found happiness. He started volunteering at a shelter called the Home of the Dying founded by Mother Teresa. He said he found happiness in carrying these men's burdens. He fed them, helped them move about, held their hand. That's what gave his life purpose. To carry another's burden. I think all too often we associate happiness with only sunny days and lots of money. But this picture of an old building full of sick and handicapped men being carried and fed by strong and healthy men was one of the most beautiful scenes I've ever watched. And in that I understood finally the happiness of being a part of a community. It's about carrying each other's burdens. It's about grace, patience, and love unconditional. Christopher's death, though tragic and hard to accept, has taught me grace, patience, and to love without conditions. It showed me that we're not promised perfect lives and everyone is on their own path, but in community and through grace and acceptance we can help each other find happiness. Not everything happens for a reason..

When I think about Christopher and I think of the life I have in my own hands I realize how happy I am for all that has come about. Again.. not everything happens for a reason.. I didn't need to lose a sibling.. But the above has happened and I am going to spend this holiday season and everyday from here on out in happiness, celebrating the wonderful family and friends I've been blessed with. I want to practice grace like I've been shown by those who choose to be in my life and like the grace Jesus showed us all when he came to carry our burdens. When he loved us unconditionally. I want to carry burdens of people I love so much and have patience as they pursue their own sense of happiness.

I do mourn the idea that in twenty years from now.. when we're much older.. my siblings and I will get together on the holidays (hopefully) with our new families and reflect on our younger years, but Christopher won't physically be there. I have a picture in my mind of what that will be like and I wish a lot that Christopher will be there. But he won't. But I'm still a sister to my other siblings. Just because tragedy happens doesn't mean we stop living. The woman in the truck accident was still a wonderful needed mother. And I can still be a big sister.

My happiness truly comes from the family I have. Both the family I'm

born into and the family I've found in my travels. And I'm thankful for my students for helping me to find happiness in teaching. I'm thankful for my friends who have helped me find happiness in who I am, and what I dream of doing with my life. And as I think of Christopher I find happiness in the memory of his laugh. I heard lyrics of a song the other night that said mourning is love. And this year I think I'm finally able to mourn and love Christopher and his life.

My favorite picture of Christopher Joel

Namaste.