Monday, March 5, 2012

Its about taking steps

Today was an absolutely beautiful day in Colorado. 70, blue bird skies, sunny, and the start of a new week. mmmm..yeahhh.. nothing like it. Spring is surely around the corner. But for me, after my morning workout at the ATC, the day consisted of reading on my balcony, finishing up projects at my computer, getting work done in my sun lit living room by the open door, and reading some more while soaking up the rays. What I would much rather have preferred doing was climbing, running, hiking, anything outdoors. But alas, responsibility sucked me in and I was to experience the beautiful weather from a distance..

Around 5:00 I just had to get out and so I grabbed my keys and went for a walk. It was therapeutic for my soul and my body. I often find answers and learn much when I'm walking and feeling a little weary in my own skin. You see, not only was I sad I was in doors all day, I was also feeling all sorts of awful from the mysterious pain and symptoms that have followed me around for over a year now. It isn't anything that stops me from my day to day activities, but it certainly does affect how I feel emotionally and physically and even sometimes spiritually. And today was no different. I spent the work hours consumed by my classes papers and annoyed by the constant pain in my stomach. But when I began walking this evening I noticed how quickly I forgot about the soreness in my side and how alive and refreshed I felt by moving. Often people, who know that I'm going through this, ask me when I feel the best. My answer is always when I'm up and doing something I love. And its true. Although the pain can be severe at times, I always seem to push it away and out of my mind when I'm up and doing something like working out or on my feet teaching or running around a hectic production environment. That's when I forget about my weakness and embrace my passions.

All too often we feel pain or discomfort in our lives, but we allow it to settle and determine our state of mind and being. Instead of going out and doing something about it, we focus on the grey areas and say well I'm not able, its beautiful and inviting and tempting to take a step out there, but I just can't. Maybe sometimes pain and discomfort is present to motivate us and remind us to go after the things in life that chase away the dark and bring in the light.

I walked around my neighborhood, following the sun as it was settling down, and felt all sorts of peace and joy as I saw the kids in the playground shooting hoops, a big brother and his little brother flying a kite, and a happy elderly couple walking together smiling. Yeah a little sentimental, nostalgic, maybe even pushy cheesy, but it was beautiful. And the pain in my side was still present, I could feel it. But more so I felt the cool breeze, the warmth of the setting sun, and the abundance of life around me. Walking definitely doesn't get rid of the hurt or symptoms but it does help put them aside.

A lot of times we have pain or discomfort because we long for that relationship with that person. Or because we disagree with the way our world treats the helpless and hopeless. Maybe we feel pain because we are denying ourselves the life we truly want and settling for the life that's easy and available. We go through the motions, we recognize the symptoms, but we do nothing in the process of healing. We accept it. We say, it is what it is. If the doctors can't find a cure then I guess I will have to deal. But tonight I was shown that even if I can get rid of it fully, I can still do small things to move forward and not be handicapped or put at a stand still by my current conditions. To me its about conditioning the heart. You wouldn't deny yourself food when your body is hunger so don't deny your heart when it has needs to be fed too.

Lately I've been feeling a little bit of discomforts in terms of finances and career. What am I doing and where am I going? Am I going to be able to survive and thrive? Its been painful and there are times when I sit and dwell in the darkness and think.. can this really be it? Then I go to film festivals, get invited to speak at colleges, and I have opportunities to work with other talented filmmakers and I'm suddenly forgetting my worries and my insecurities and I'm feeling alive. I have had a topsy-turvy couple of weeks and I don't think there is much of an end in sight anytime soon. But I think in some ways I need it. It has truly made me aware of my thoughts, goals, and own laziness. I think these growing pains I'm experiencing are reminding me to push forward, push hard, and focus on the bigger picture.

Just like the pain in my side. Its constant, sometimes very subtle and other times very apparent but its all how I decide to handle it. I can allow it to be an excuse to stay in doors, away from people, and make me miserable. Or I can chose to be active, to get up and go walk it off. To tell it that its not bigger then my desire to be alive and that it wont stop me from enjoying this beautiful day. And at the same time this discomfort reminds me to continue to learn and take care of myself. To seek help and take measures so that it wont be a life long hinderance. Sometimes the challenges or pains we face in life are present to remind us to take time to learn, to seek guidance, and to take measures that will lead to sustainability and growth so we won't have to always worry.

I feel refreshed after my walk. And as I sit here to type, my side is aching but my heart is light. I know that despite conditions or circumstances it is better to go after what it is you want in life, to feed the heart, then to be complacent with the pain or darkness you are facing. So what is it that makes you hurt? And what are small steps you can take to not only make yourself feel better but also to change the conditions, to move towards healing and rejuvenation? May I suggest simply going for a walk when you're thinking of an answer? You will feel so great afterwards :)